If you’re a fan of NBC’s hit show ‘The Office’ you might remember the scene where Michael says to Kevin, “Don’t be a caricature, Kevin, never be a caricature”. It’s a rare moment in the show because Michael is actually giving very sound, even wise, advice on how to comport yourself in the world. There’s a lot I want to unpack in this idea. Let’s start with a story.
Beginning in my late teens and extending into my early twenties I was known as a cynic. I was the guy who was quick to express doubt, who would always tell you why something wouldn’t work. I focused on the negative. I know now, and I’ve known for a very long time, that cynicism is a trap. It’s cowardly and intellectually lazy, and it doesn’t leave room for the good. I knew this probably halfway through my tenure as a cynic. But I didn’t dare to change this in the version of me I presented to the world, in part, because the people around me expected me to be cynical. I experienced social rewards when I was that guy. I fit into the group in a way that the group had deemed acceptable.
Now, I want to point out that we all have working models of each other in our heads. Versions of a person based on what we know about who they are, what they like and dislike, and how they behave. This is inevitable because the only person who really knows you is you. Everyone else is just guessing. So, the reduction of a person into a model in our heads is a tool we use to make sense of the world and the people around us. However, as any good thinker knows, our models should be updated when new information becomes available. When we don’t update our models of those around us, those models become caricatures.
When I finally began to express a different version of myself, a matured, non-cynical, even optimistic version, I was met with mixed reactions. Some people took it in stride, but others pushed back. It was as if they didn’t want me to change, they couldn’t allow it, the version of me that they liked was that of the cynic. So they would say things like, “This isn’t you”, “You’re not an optimist”, and “Bring back old Marcel”. These are actual quotes. By refusing to update their models of me, I became a caricature in their eyes. And worse, through my own desire to be liked, I had breathed life into this crude, one-dimensional version of me that didn’t represent who I was or who I wanted to be.
Everyone has their own version of this story. We’ve played parts that no longer represent who we are, and/or we’ve presented new versions of ourselves to family, friends, and colleagues only to receive mixed reactions. There are two truths I want to tease out here.
First, you teach people who you are and how you are to be treated. So when you let someone make a joke, a comment, or treat you in a way that you don’t like, you are teaching them that their behavior is acceptable. If you want people to treat you a certain way, you have to give them that information so that they can update their model. This is not to excuse bad behavior. I’m simply saying that you are not helpless, you can change how people treat you.
The second truth is this: If you share a new, evolved, version of yourself with someone in your life and they push back on it, they are not on your side. The people in your life who truly love you and want the best for you will immediately, and without cross-examination, accept an improved version of you. They will update their model. These are the people who are in your corner. These are the people you should invest in, and prioritize, and whose opinions you should value.
In my early twenties, when I presented a new, optimistic version of myself and I saw some of my “friends” push back, I realized that they actually felt threatened by my evolution. So much so that they tried to stand in the way, this was a very important lesson for me because it showed me who my real friends were, and it also showed me that outgrowing someone can be a natural part of life’s progression.
Keep the people who grow with you and lose the people who don’t. Life’s too short to let anyone speak their insecurities over your life.
Don’t be a caricature.
MW 