“People don’t change” is a lie we tell ourselves to avoid taking responsibility for the misery we’ve created in our own lives.
But it’s such a common lie that many of us have internalized it. We think we believe that people don’t change. Once a bastard always a bastard. Once a saint always a saint. It feels easy on the mind. A simple way of explaining the people around us, and even ourselves, that doesn’t require much mental effort. I’m certainly guilty of using this ‘rule’ in my own life. But one thing I’ve learned in my 33 trips around the sun is that life is rarely simple in the ways we want it to be.
Change is hard. It’s easier to do things the way we’ve always done them than to do them differently. It’s easier to keep smoking cigarettes. It’s easier to keep eating poorly. It’s easier to be selfish in our relationships. And biology is working against us here. The more we do something, doesn’t matter what it is, the more established those pathways become in our brains and the easier it is to continue doing that thing. Our relationships are working against us too. The people in our lives are accustomed to viewing us a certain way. They have working models in their heads of who we are (caricatures, because nobody fully knows anyone else), and they do or say things to keep us within the bounds of those models. It’s usually not malicious, we all operate this way.
It is because change is so hard that many don’t get around to it. Life is busy. We have families, jobs, house payments, car payments, insurance payments, cell phones, neighbors, coworkers, friends, enemies, groceries to buy, meals to prepare, dishes to do, etc. It’s no wonder that we don’t get around to working on ourselves. The here and now commands our attention every.single.day.
So, our biology, relationships, and life itself all get in the way of change. Each poses a barrier to the evolution of our character. And yet, I’ve seen people change with my own eyes. I’ve seen people throw out regressive, decades-old beliefs. I’ve seen people transform anger into self-possession and selfishness into generosity. I’ve seen people lose weight and keep it off. Quit smoking. Quit drinking. Start new careers, new businesses, and new lives. I’ve watched amazing changes happen in myself and people around me.
The truth is that everyone has seen someone change, in a fundamental way, for the better. But we hide these events from ourselves. We fear change in ourselves and we get jealous of change in others. We write people off “Who does he think he is?” demean them “This won’t last” and try to fit people back onto our caricature of who they are “I can’t imagine you without a drink in your hand”. But this is just fear. Fear that if they can change then we can too, and that if we’re capable of change, we can no longer hide behind circumstance or use our self-made victimizations to justify our stagnation.
When we say “people don’t change” we are protecting ourselves and giving into our fears and jealousies. It’s a survival mechanism of the self. As if our current self is fighting for its existence, trying to eliminate anything it perceives as a threat to its worldview. Because, once the current self allows for change, it dies and a new self is born.
People are capable of transformational change, and many will achieve it.
Will you?
MW 